Love Lifes

I don't even anymore.  A few months ago, I asked my friend if he was crushing on anyone, slightly hoping he would say me, do to the fact he posted he was crushing on a friend.  When he said someone else, my heart broke into pieces.  The bell eventually rung, but I felt shaky and when I went to my bus, I curled up and cried.  He, to this day, never knew what he did to me.  Weeks pass, and I feel ready to tell him "I have no time for our friendship" but could never get the words out.  We drifted apart but got our friendship back on track.  But now, I hold no emotional baring to him anymore, but what I felt for him is still a sensitive area for me.  I'm even crying as I write this, it's that bad.  We talk a lot, and he is one of my best friends, I can't change that between us.  But I have been told by one of his friends he loves me but...I can't believe it, at all.  I told the friend I don't believe him, but he kept trying to shove the evidence in my face.  He talked about the fact "you guys always talk to each other on the bus", but we don't ride the same bus.  I told him, and that my friend's crush could be the same one as a few months ago.  It was more than painful to tell my friend's friend that.  I felt so conflicted and confused.  People have recently asked "Oh, are you guys dating?"  "Do you want to get in her pants?"  and other comments.  I told them with such a ferocity "No, we aren't.".  I feel like drifting apart from him again, no matter how close he is to me, no matter how hurt I am when we don't talk, everything just because I don't want to go through what I went through.  I just want him to be the guy I cry to, who I admit my problems to.  I want him to be happy, I really do, even if he does love me.  But I can't.  I am not ready for commitment, unlike what I thought months ago.  I have no idea what to do.  I just wanted to let it out.  I no longer feel butterflies around him, I just want to talk to him, show off my newest collectable or comic to him and see his eyes light up.  I wanna be comforted about all my dark feelings and hear his, but I can't recall many times I really heard how he feels, just how I feel.


He has what I think are signs of affection, like texting me and trying his best to sit near me, but I avoid him til he starts talking.  I still think he likes the girl he told me about a few months ago, but I don't really hear him talk about her.


While writing this, I just want to disappear and see how he fairs and everyone.  I just want to be away from this and the stress and anxiety I already have.  We are so close, in fact, I told him something I never told anyone else, I have "panic attacks" in the lunchroom, and must look at the ground and do breathing exercises to stop myself from the "stares" of people and their laughter.  I just hate to think anyone is laughing at me.  When I do look up its for mere seconds and I run to my seat.  It has gotten worse over time.  I just used to look at the ground.  Now, when I don't breathe I feel, odd, compressed.

I have also been told he is normally shy, but seems to be more open with me.  Please tell me what the heck is going on, since I don't even know.